Peace, Love, Twilight

I wouldn't ever say I followed a traditional path into a womanhood. My mindset in my youth was more toward 'tomboy' things such as cars, action figures, action movies, science fiction. The older I got, however, the more I embraced my feminine side, if you will, and appreciated things I normally wouldn't have given a second thought to.

I remember in late 2008 I saw a preview for what I considered a teen love story involving a human teenage girl and what I presumed was a 'dangerous vampire'. I brushed it off thinking it was a teeny bopper flick. I didn't recognize any actors and they were much younger, so I assumed the target audience was teen girls. I didn't give it much thought and didn't bother going to see the movie. If it didn't have robots, guns, explosions and tons of action, I wasn't going to sit through it...and certainly not a 'chick flick' per se.

Now, to the next year, and let me be clear - 2009 was NOT a good year for me, personally and professionally. I consider myself a professional...mature, educated, punctual, but not always careful. I had two jobs at the time, which I thought I could handle, along with a household, five kids, a husband and all the extracurricular stuff kids get involved in. If anything I was stressed to the limit, sometimes working 7 days a week. Granted neither position was full time, but I was under the impression there was room for advancement at one. I couldn't have been more wrong. I liked one job, and the other was basically doing a favor for the company since they only saw me as the lowest form of amoebic life on the planet. Just because you possess a college degree in the field you work in, doesn't mean you automatically get treated with respect. I remember in one meeting, one of the blonde bimbos nudged a guy, pointed at me (within earshot) and said 'who is that' and he responded in a dismissive tone, 'just a part timer'. I didn't have a name, nor a title other than part-timer. That set the tone for the job after that. Once you realize your co-workers have little or no respect for you, only treat you nicely when they want a favor from you, then it's time to move on. I didn't realize it at the time but it took a tremendous toll on my marriage as well. Things weren't getting done at home, the kids weren't exactly helping at home. It almost got to a point where one of us was ready to leave, and when you have that brewing, a job where you don't matter, another job where you're expected to perform multiple tasks, then you start to not care, and when you don't care, you lose focus and when you lose focus, you become careless, and I did. Even mature professionals make mistakes, but it was a mistake you don't make in that particular field. At least for me, it was not acceptable. I don't know why I wasn't outright fired and I should have quit on the spot. When I was allowed to work again, my requests for shifts were ignored, exactly what they wanted, so I left and never looked back. Hindsight makes the difference, as it was the worst job experience I ever had, I meant nothing to them, and they didn't hide it, I wasn't a part of their clique, regardless of their experience or lack of a degree. I didn't care about the people, and even though I was better suited than some of the full timers, it wasn't about my education, my talent. What it boiled down to was whose ass were you willing to kiss, and in my case, I don't kiss ass. Ever. This didn't settle well with some of the bosses. So they were waiting for me to screw up to get rid of me. I always took responsibility for my mistake and held myself accountable with no excuses. But I can say this: I never stole, broke or mistreated any of the equipment, I always showed up on time, never lost any advertising accounts, no revenue was lost by anything I ever did, and I never committed a felony or misdemeanor and had to have special furloughs to be allowed to work. If liars, cheats, hypocrites and felons make the cut there, then they can have them. I was glad to move on to better things.

I suppose retribution can be defined by the fact my husband's TV station next door won Station of the Year at this year's Illinois Broadcaster's Association, and their station wasn't even nominated for a single award, even after all their gloating self promotion about how wonderful they were with 2009 storm coverage. So it gets results, huh? Just what are those results? I have yet to see, or in their case, hear.

I really don't hold grudges, as they are a waste of emotion, and rarely think about the former job or the place. I'm not missed, and I don't miss them. Moving on was a blessing and it saved my marriage. My stress melted away, and I was at the job I belonged. Surrounding yourself by professionals in which most are college educated make for a better work environment. Plus a boss who believes family comes first and has confidence in your abilities make for a welcoming environment. It's nice to have my own work space, attend meetings and having the respect of my constituents, some of them anyway. I do have major trust issues, so I keep to myself and speak to few, but that's something I'll have to work out with time.

Then May 8, 2009 happened. The Friday before Mother's Day. The forecast was for very strong storms, and the first wave hit around noon or so. Just at typical spring storm, but the radar looked weird, a second wave was spinning back around in our direction. I was just looking forward to the weekend and getting out of there. I barely noticed the second wave nearly upon us when I left work. The wind suddenly picked up, with a ferocity I've never seen in my 20 years in Texas, tornado alley. I could go on and on about driving in 109 MPH winds but it was harrowing to say the least. I managed to get out of Carbondale white knuckling it to get my kids from school. Their safety was priority number one. I couldn't get to them, trees were down everywhere and blocked my patch, power lines down on the other street, so I couldn't get my kids. There's nothing that makes a mother hysterical than not knowing if her kids are safe, and not being able to get to them. The journalist in me stopped to snap photos of the damage with my phone. I got word the kids were safe, in the hallways of their schools that had no power, so I realized I had better check on the house, if it were still there, and I just knew our dog was probably dead, as she is an outside dog and stays in the backyard with a covered patio for protection.

The scene was surreal, all the houses were pelted with debris, trees were snapped in half. I pulled up in the driveway relieved to hear our dog barking hysterically. She made it! Our backyard however, wasn't so lucky. Between us and the idiotic neighbors behind us, we lost 14 trees, and five of them fell in our yard, smashing our chain link fence, but falling around the trampoline, not on it. The storm door was in pieces in the backyard, roof shingles were everywhere and my misting fan lie shattered on the patio. The dog was lucky to be alive. What amazed me was our portable basketball goal that would usually fall over by a strong sneeze, withstood the 109 mph pelting that lasted for 45 minutes, and stood defiantly by the driveway, mocking the weather. We had no power for several days, we cooked out, had meals at neighbors houses, took tons of pictures for insurance and started the cleanup. I was going to miss our large pine tree that was in our yard, it provided shade for the pool in the summer, but only one skinny pine was left standing outside the fence, but all the trees on the south side of the house and most on the north side stood, so it wasn't a complete loss. Took months to clean and even longer for the state to haul off the debris. With the insurance we patched the roof, replaced the fridge and cleaned the mess (not to mention a new flat screen HDTV). Six counties were declared federal disaster areas but we got nary a mention on national news. Thousands of trees lost, millions in damage, but we got through it, and it will be talked about for generations.

It wasn't turning out to be the year for us in 2009. We moved to Illinois in 2003 because of my husband's job, but we didn't expect to still be here. Now that the economy is in the crapper, we have no choice but to stay. The kids have adjusted well, but I am not fond of the place, but I endure it. I've made a few friends so it has been worth it for the most part. But the lack of civility, higher educated people and the arts makes me cringe at times.

The year 2009 wasn't a complete loss. The silly teen vampire movie Twilight had made it's way to DVD that April. I had seen the crazy screaming teen girls on TV and wondered why it was so popular, and hadn't realized a stay at home mom in her thirties wrote the book, well books, as it turned out. That intrigued me and my older daughter said her friends saw it and liked it, so why not. I rented it. It wasn't as bad as I thought and I was pulled in by the characters. I had no idea who Robert Pattinson was at the time, only to be told by my oldest son that he was Cedric Diggery in Harry Potter. Wow he had grown up since then and was perfect for the role of Edward Cullen. It looked fairly low budget but had made so much money because of the books. I figured I better read it, but I watched the DVD a few more times and liked it more each time. I was hooked after reading the book, so I read New Moon and Eclipse within a week, and Breaking Dawn a few days later. I had vampire overload. I never thought I'd like it, much less be so drawn to it. My feminine side had taken over and I was smitten by a chick flick. When you grow up without a mother and nobody to nurture that side and nobody to give you unconditional love, then you don't have that emotional tie to people, much less those of my gender and what is considered traditionally for women only. You trust no one and detach yourself away from silly love stories and most people. It's not intentional, it just happens. Mothers are the key to emotional stability and relationships. When that tie is severed, nothing is left to build on, so I stumbled and never felt right with people. I stay aloof and detached but always alert. I keep few friends but I choose them wisely. They never choose me. I'm happiest at home with my family.

My daughters loved Twilight as much as I did and the maternal bond I never felt was stronger than ever between me and my girls. I never had that feeling but I was so glad I can give that to my daughters, so they won't be emotionally lost like I was for many many years. I became smitten with a few of the actors, which at my age is alarming, because I've never been attracted to younger men. Heck when I was 16 I wanted to marry Harrison Ford, 23 years my senior. I found older men to be much more attractive, but 20 and 30 something vampires set my 40-ish hormones on fire. I'm not the camp-out-for-days type of screaming banshee of a fan, I have a deeper appreciation for it. I don't own a gazillion Twilight-themed things but I have a decent collection of what feels right to me. I don't plaster my bedroom walls with Edward posters out of respect for my husband. I would never stray to appease my lust. If anything it has only enhanced my relationship with my husband. So call me addicted if you will, but don't tell me to get a life, because I have a great one. I am happy, I am satisfied, I am content, I am loved and I love my family unconditionally. Twilight is a part of my life and I will never apologize for something that makes me happy. I am not easily impressed by people and am completely turned off by vanity. Those who vie for attention lack emotional stability.

I had to re-read Eclipse in anticipation of the third movie. New Moon was my least favorite book, since Edward left and broke Bella's heart. First loves are powerful and breakups really do screw with your head. You never forget that feeling and the heartbreak. Ok maybe it was taken to new levels in New Moon, but the pain is there and it's real. Where Twilight felt low budget and missed key points in the book, New Moon kept true to the story, but Edward's emotions were like the book, rigid and brooding. But their reunion was sweet. And yet another vampire stole my heart, Demetri of the Volturi, with that story coming up.

Early in 2010, I had the chance to meet several cast members which sent me in a tizzy. My girls and I met Peter Facinelli (Dr. Carlisle Cullen) at an autograph signing in Kentucky. He was just as beautiful in person, very polite, very genuine...he seemed to treat the fans like his own friends. I would like to thank his mom for raising him right! I was on cloud 9 after meeting him and getting a freebie autographed picture (which he only handed out a dozen, and 150 people were in line) so we felt pretty darn special. We made our way (us girls) to Nashville Tennessee to the Twilight Convention at the Opryland Hotel, which was spectacular in itself, it was so grand and elegant. I had purchased tickets for a picture opportunity with Kellan Lutz, who portrayed Emmett, but last minute scheduling nixed that and Michael Welch took his place (Mike Newton) who isn't my favorite character but hey why not? We snagged the goodies and bought shirts and other trinkets and enjoyed being with people with similar likes.

We did, however, have a celebrity encounter in Nashville that I will never forget. I took the girls to the hotel ice cream shop, Haagen-Dazs, for a quick ice cream treat. We sat at a table in the corner and then 'he' came in. A good-looking guy with spiky blond hair and the coolest western boots. He walked up to the counter, somewhat smug, or just confident, pick one, and asked for samples. I was drawn to him for some reason, like familiarity. And he left. I pondered for a minute who he could be, as he was definitely NOT a Nashville resident. He came back in a few minutes later and it hit me then and there....Charlie Bewley, the actor who plays Demetri of the Volturi. The only thing I had seen of him was in the New Moon trailer, and some photo shoots via Yahoo searches. It had to be him. My daughter Kristen begged me not to go up to him in case I was wrong, but then I heard him speak, and a wonderful British accent came out. It WAS him! I got up to walk over to him and asked shyly if he was Charlie Bewley. He seemed genuinely surprised and happy that somebody recognized him. He immediately shook my hand and smiled a killer smile and a quick side hug *sigh*. I asked if I could take a few pictures with him and my girls (you mention kids and celebrities are putty) and he so graciously agreed. I loved his laugh, his accent, his polite demeanor. He was so much what I had hoped he'd be. I was ruining his ice cream break but he didn't mind a bit. Another fan had seen me with him and took my picture with him for me and I did the same for her. Once you see him, you're drawn into his personality and his flirtatious charm. He was positively the most beautiful man I'd ever met. I thanked him repeatedly for his time and he was so polite and waved at my girls when he left. I won't forget that encounter, the way he spoke, the way he felt and the way he charmed us all. The girls had school the Monday after the convention so on the last day as Charlie was to take the stage (and I kick myself for missing it, but we had a 3 hour drive so the kids' bedtime rules came first) we saw him walk to the waiting room. He looked right at me, smiled that damned gorgeous smile, peeked over his sunglasses and I asked coyly if he enjoyed his ice cream. His smile never wavered and said yes he did and he went back for more. His tone was charming and dare I say so seductive I felt my knees tremble. I said goodbye to him and him to us and he was gone. So I definitely have a soft spot for Charlie and his character Demetri. I drive people nuts when I say I met him at an ice cream shop. Meeting him and Peter Facinelli are definitely something special to remember always, and I hope my girls do too.

I found out I wasn't the oldest Twilight fan at the convention that weekend. I saw grandmothers, mothers, some dads, some guys, but mostly teen and twenty something girls. But it was relaxing and I was in my element. Some were dressed in full character, but that's something I never got into, even during my Star Wars crazed days. I appreciate things I like but I don't necessarily have to jump up and down on the red carpet with a pen and picture in hand screaming my lungs out. But that doesn't mean I don't fantasize on occasion about ripping the pants off a smoking hot celebrity and riding him like...uh well you get the point, I'm in my 40's and sex crazed 24/7. Sue me.

Which brings me to a conclusion of sorts. Addiction, some have it some don't. Hate, a lot of people have. When you like something that has saturated pop culture to the point of overload, you get backlash, you get haters that despise everything you've come to love with as much passion. I don't have time to hate, as I believe it takes more effort to detest something as much as to love it. I think it's a mental condition of the hater to hate something they secretly like to justify their bitterness. Maybe not in everyone's case, but it really disheartens me to have my obsession dismissed as 'stupid, irrational, crazy, nutso, wacky and downright dumb'. Sure the Twilight movies are not Oscar fodder, and they don't try to be. It's the story of everlasting love from page to screen is what us fans want, crave and desire. We know how powerful love is, and the fact that the perfect man, and I DO mean perfect man, aka Edward Cullen, was written from a woman's point of view, so of course he could never exist in reality. There is no such man, and no man will have or ever exist. That's part of the fantasy. Men have their likes, and us woman have ours. We are different and we don't and would never want to be like men, and perhaps this is the problem. We are a force to be reckoned with, and it scares 'normal' people. The Twilight franchise is the most lucrative and successful of all because of women, which tradition would suggest that only male-oriented movies and activities would be successful.

Stepping off the soapbox I reiterate that Twilight is a part of my life because it doesn't need to be, but because I want it to be. I'm not a lonely heart desperate for a fictional character to sweep me off my feet. I'm a happily married mother of five with a stable home, two successful careers that is a sucker for a damn good love story. It's an X chromosome thing, you wouldn't understand. If this gives me the bond with my daughters I was denied in my youth, then so be it. I respect other people's obsessions, I don't have to particularly like it, but I respect it. It's the constant haters that baffle me, as I believe it takes more effort to hate than to tolerate. I'm sure my Twilight sticker on my car provides fodder for giggles and judgement, but I don't care, and have never cared what others think of me. If I did I'd be the world's biggest kiss-ass and still be pushing buttons for selfish bitches.

By the way, Eclipse was by far the best movie of the Twilight saga, since Breaking Dawn one and two are more than a year away I can't include them. Edward's character was more three dimensional, with anger, passion, desire and Jacob's is more like the book. The pace was fast, maybe too fast, with minor details left out (I really wanted a scene where Bella's standing in the kitchen playing with refrigerator magnets, but that's me). Eclipse was also my favorite book of the series, so it was done justice by David Slade. Although Demetri my Volturi love didn't have but a line or two, I was happy to see him on screen. When you meet people like him, you feel a connection will always be there.

I cannot wait to see Eclipse again, as I plan on taking the girls to St. Louis, a refuge from rural Hell, to see the movie in IMAX. I finally get to meet another Twi-Mom, who is just as obsessed as me. I hope to be lifelong friends. Facebook definitely has helped me meet more fans than I ever would have hoped. I'm okay with the fact I don't have many friends to share this with where I live, it's personal and private and it's mine to share with my daughters. After all, daughters are built in friends when real ones prove to be scarce.

2010 bested 2009 in so many ways. 2009 was just one of those years you'd like to forget, yet remember at the same time because it made me see clearly for the first time in two years, opened my eyes to how people really are and what madness lies within, and gave me a reason to fall in love with love again. 2010 has only enhanced my love and appreciation for my obsession. I'm still married, still irritating the haters, loving my kids, enjoying my home and thankful for the many blessings in my life, doing my job and focusing less on making friends and wondering what people think. It's of no real concern for me as approval from others is neither required nor desired. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm in love. Twilight makes me happy. And it's here to stay. I'll be sad when it's all said and done, but it will stay with me until my heart stops beating, and maybe even after that.

Until next time.